When you boil Twilight down to its essence, it really is a disturbing, creepy story. Edward is a 107 year old man resisting every urge he has to just pounce on his high school lover. And Bella is just as nuts. So here it is… without all the stuff that somehow makes it okay.
I still love Twilight, so it’s okay for me to make fun of it.
Bella allowed herself to lay with her back facing him, sliding her arm under the pillow and resting her head. She soon felt the warmth of a body behind her as Edward leaned in next to her, propping himself up on his elbow and brining his legs up to interlock with hers. He put one arm around her waist, pulled her closer, pushing his hips slightly forward against her backside.
“Is it just my body you’re after?” Bella said with a smirk, turning her head slightly to look up at him.
“I am a man, after all,” Edward replied with a toothless grin.
Bella craned her neck to inhale his scent, the ripe smell of age and days old cologne. “Are you going to be okay?” She asked after a moment, when he started to heave.
“This is all very new to me Bella,” Edward explained. “You have to understand that it’s very difficult for me to be this close to you. I’ve wanted for this for so long, since the first time I saw you, and as soon as I knew that I could have you to myself, well,” he pushed his hips forward again, “I don’t know if I can restrain myself.”
Bella’s heart pounded in her chest. She had to laugh inwardly at the utter stupidity of the situation she allowed herself to get in. If Charlie were to walk into her bedroom now, he was sure to lose his mind at the sight of his seventeen year old daughter in bed with a man older than himself.
But she could not resist Edward. The moment she saw the old man it had stirred a hidden danger in Bella that she hadn’t known existed. He had walked into the school cafeteria on the first day of school with such ease and confidence, scanning the room like he had so many times before.
“Who is that?” Bella had timidly asked a friend sitting next to her, trying not to stare at his neatly pressed uniform, hairless head except for a thin and wispy mustache and pale, dangling jowls.
“Crazy Edward, the school janitor,” Jessica had replied, absentmindedly picking the pepperoni from a slice of pizza. “He’s, like, a thousand years old or something.”
Just then, Edward’s eyes met Bella’s, and she felt a warmth between her legs that she was at a loss to understand. It went counter to everything she knew.
“He’s creepy, there are rumors about him,” Jessica continued, sounding uneasy. “They say he’s a…”
Bella heard the concern in Jessica’s voice and turned to look at her, feeling Edward’s stare continue on behind her. “He’s what?” Jessica still hesitated, so she repeated herself. “What is he?”
“They say he’s a sexual predator,” Jessica shrugged, then saw what she must have taken for disappointment in Bella’s eyes. She offered, “who knows for sure, though.” After thinking about it for a moment, Jessica seemed to realize something. “Then again, sometimes he’s gone for weeks at a time. Just randomly goes away. Maybe he’s on trial when that happens, or has to run away for a while because he… molested someone.”
He’d never do that to me, Bella thought, turning around to check on Edward. His eyes again caught hers just before he disappeared into the washroom with a student’s empty lunch tray.
Days and countless glances later, Bella unexpectedly found herself inside Edward’s car while she was dress shopping with friends. It was then that he had admitted he had indeed been following her around town on the weekends.
“Your car is so nice,” she had said, trying to steer away from an uncomfortable subject. “Not what I’d picture you in.”
“What did you expect, an old rusty van with no windows, filled with the promise of peppermint candies?”
“More like big shiny quarters,” she joked.
“Those are all fairy tales and superstitions,” he chuckled.
She reached for the climate controls in front of her at the same moment Edward did. The contrast in skin textures did not go unnoticed. “You’re so old,” Bella said.
“This car is what ninety years working will get you,” Edward said, rubbing a wrinkly hand over the smooth leather interior. The contrast in textures did not go unnoticed by Bella.
“Ninety years working?” Bella inclined her head and glanced over at him. “Are you over a hundred years old?”
“I’m very healthy, Bella.” He said. He’s tone would be condescending if it came from anyone else, but his eyes redeemed him.
Eventually the silence in the car became unbearable, for both of them.
“Bella, I have a confession to make.”
She stiffened, remembering Jessica’s words from the lunchroom. “You don’t have to say it. I know what you are.”
Edward tightened his grip on the steering wheel. He craned his neck further to see over his knuckles and onto the road in front of them. “What am I?”
Bella hesitated.
“Say it,” Edward encouraged, his voice low.
She inhaled nervously, keeping her eyes on the road but watching him in her peripheral. “A sexual predator,” she said quickly.
“Are you afraid?”
She looked at him intensely, considering his question for a moment, surprised at the answer. “No.”
Edward pursed his lips and smiled. “You should be. You should be very afraid of me, Bella. I am a sexual predator, and everything about me should tell you to run. You…” he leaned over in the seat and inhaled, as if smelling a buffet after a fast, “…you are my prey. Do you understand?”
Silence for a moment, and then Bella reached over and caressed Edward’s cheek. He leaned into her hand with the ferocity that she was leaning into his chest now, in her warm bed.
“I’ve got a confession to make,” Edward whispered into her ear, bringing back memories of that day in the car. “This is not my first time in your bedroom.”
She laughed a bit, and then realized he was serious. “What?”
“I enjoy watching you sleep.”
“How do you get in?” She was surprised at this revelation.
“Through the front door. Charlie isn’t nearly as careful a chief of police as he should be, I’m afraid. That, or the sixty plus years I have on him can see right through his security measures.”
Bella’s heart was pounding, every inch of her was shaking, and every hair on her body stood on end. Her most basic instincts were telling her this was wrong—sick—and she should go, run as fast as she could. Go and get Charlie and tell him there was a monster in her room just upstairs and that he should arrest him and put the rest of the world out of danger.
Instead, she held tighter to the arm clutching her chest.
“Your dad can try, but he can’t keep you safe from me.” He nuzzled his face into her neck, no longer supporting himself with his elbow but instead pushing that arm up under her pillow to hold her fingers with his.
“So, are you afraid?” He whispered.
“I’m not afraid of you,” she insisted through the pounding in her neck. “I trust you.”
“You shouldn’t.” She felt him grind himself against her backside again, his thick manhood nestled between her cheeks. “You have no idea how hard it is for me, Bella. I want to take you right now, child.”
He inhaled the same, disgusting way he had in the car, making sure to smell every part of her. He ran his nose along her neckline, into her hair, then around to her face where he softly pressed his lips against hers. He moved on, repositioning his frail body as he did so, until she lay flat on her back and his nose was between her breasts.
She hesitantly put both of her hands on Edward’s bald head. Excitedly, she nudged him lower.
When his nose ran past her waistline, he burrowed into her underwear and inhaled deeper. “You smell like my own personal brand of heroin,” he croaked, his eyes clenched shut. “One day, Bella, I’m afraid I will be unable to resist. I’m afraid the feeding frenzy will begin.”
His eyes suddenly sprang open, and he pounced on top of her, his lips again only inches from hers. “One day I’m afraid I’m going to rape you.”
She only smiled. “I can’t wait.”
Gross. How are you feeling?
