I was actually diagnosed with ADD during that weird phase of high school when I saw a therapist. She referred me to a psychiatrist and after a 30 minute appointment said I had ADD. I went home and told my mom and her words were, “Who’s telling you that you have ADD?” and that’s the last time it was brought up. Actually, I think that was my last appointment altogether. I called once, shortly thereafter, to say that I had broken up with my (at the time) girlfriend and everything had miraculously gotten better so I was no longer in need of counseling. But the ADD thing was left unanswered.
So, I use that as a crutch when I try to explain to myself why I can’t focus on things for very long. I don’t know if that’s actually true or if the psychiatrist actually meant “further testing is needed,” and even if it is true I don’t think it’s anywhere near as bad as some people probably have it, but either way it’s been on my mind ever since.
The problem is made worse by the Internet and computers. It’s cliche to say that nowadays, but it’s true. If I don’t have at least 3 programs going and 5 Internet tabs to random websites, I feel inadequate. Sometimes I’ll loose my train of thought in an email and switch over to CNN.com saying I need a break, get halfway through an article and decide I want to post it to my blog, then go back to work editing some video before realizing I still have to finish that email I started. I think that this is very normal behavior—but behavior made possible by computers and the Internet, and behavior that starts a pretty nasty habit of pointing and clicking on whatever is shiny, regardless of whether or not you’ve finished your original task or not.
Over the past couple years, though, I’ve noticed I’ve started doing the same thing with TV, movies, and books. Just the other day I started a movie and despite being completely content watching it, turned it off after 20 minutes because I wanted to read. After reading for 20 minutes, I decided I’d go watch an episode of Roseanne that I had downloaded. ::embarrassed::
The thought in the back of my head is “this is a waste of time.” No matter what activity I am doing I can’t really relax and get into it as much as I’d like, because part of me says “this is a waste of time.”
What got me thinking about this was a comment Logan said the other day: “well, when you stop, do you go and do something that’s actually worth your time?”
The answer, most of the time, is no, because 20 minutes later I’m chastising myself to get up and do something worthwhile.
So what is worthwhile? I’m wondering if I’ll ever find something that’s worthwhile and if I do, what that something could possibly be? And if I do find something worthwhile, whether or not I will actually remember doing it since part of this whole problem is the inability to really remember anything, because my mind is always on something else?
Also: with a few exceptions, I’ve found that I don’t really remember a book until I’ve read it the second time. Does this happen to anyone else? For example, if I read something, I can pick it up a month later, flip through the pages, and feel like I’m looking at something I’ve never looked at before. But if I pick it up and read it again, most of it comes back to me and is solidified since I’m forced to think about it again.
So whazap wit that?!
